Throw a Bean Back in Time
by Martin III
Summary: Taniguchi took it hard when Kuyoh Suoh broke up with him. Very hard. But that's not Kyon's problem, right? Meanwhile, Haruhi gives the SOS Brigade karate lessons. A three-part novelette, updates Mondays.
1. Chapter 1

**Author's notes:** Though my brain has been bursting with ideas for Haruhi Suzumiya stories for over a year now, the idea for this one came to me quite recently. I can't get into how that idea came about without spoilers, so I'm posting it in the "Moonlighting with the SOS Brigade" thread of The Debate of Haruhi Suzumiya forum.

Also, while the sharp reader will have noticed I incorporated light novel continuity into "Moonlighting with the SOS Brigade", this is the first time I've centered a fic around an element from the light novels. Don't worry if you haven't read the light novels, though; all the relevant events are covered in the fic itself.

The characters and milieu of this fan fiction work are property of Nagaru Tanigawa, Kyoto Animation, and Funimation.

* * *

**Throw a Bean Back in Time**

I couldn't say when Taniguchi started being even more of a pain to be around than usual. But I'll throw out Monday as a guess. It fit the bill better than most days this past month, and it's the beginning of the week, so it's more natural to begin there.

He didn't run up and greet me on the walk up the hill that morning - not that unusual, but maybe it fit in with what was going on. I didn't notice anything amiss until lunchtime, and then only because Kunikada pointed it out.

"Why are you so down today?" he said to our classmate, who looked like he was considering planting his forehead in his box lunch.

"I'm fine," Taniguchi grunted.

"Usually you contribute more to the conversation."

"Contribute? Conversation? Don't throw such big words at me right now, you pompous jerk. I've already got a headache."

"A for real headache?" I put in. "Another one?" It seemed like he'd claimed a headache almost every day of the previous week.

"What's it to you?" Taniguchi said.

"You might be coming down with something contagious. Maybe you should see a doctor, or at least not sit so close to us."

"Look, just don't talk to me right now, okay? I'm alone to have a headache more than once a year."

"'I'm alone to have a headache'?" I repeated, very slowly.

"Allowed. I'm _allowed_ to have a headache. Now shut up and leave me alone."

Kunikada leaned close to whisper to me. "But you know, I get the feeling it isn't a headache at all."

"Like what?" I asked him, but Kunikada just shrugged in ignorance.

Taniguchi heaved a sigh, and pinched his face into a sullen expression which he held for the rest of the lunch. Not a fun companion to have while you're eating.

I didn't think much of it the rest of the day. Haruhi had the SOS Brigade's karate lessons going full swing, so any part of me that wasn't focused on the lectures was concerned with future bruises and contusions.

* * *

"Alright, to demonstrate this move, I need a volunteer," Haruhi said. "Kyon!"

Yeah, Haruhi doesn't quite understand the meaning of the word "volunteer". And while she occasionally rotates Koizumi, Nagato, and Miss Asahina into the slot, it was pretty obvious by this time that I was her favorite training dummy.

In addition, Nagato and I were the only members of the SOS Brigade to not have gis. When Haruhi started the karate lessons, she only got three gis. Actually, my initial puzzlement was at the fact that she got any at all. It seemed like a large, unnecessary expense.

"It's completely necessary," Haruhi corrected me. "Ladies can't be engaging in physical training in their skirts!"

"That's why they have gym clothes."

"Exactly!" she said, completely missing my point. "Besides, a gi is very important to establishing the mental discipline needed to learn karate." She held up an index finger in the manner of an exceptionally imperious teacher. "Wearing one makes you feel comfortable, simple, and pure."

"But guys don't need them?"

"I can only afford so many. If you really want one, buy your own." At this point she slipped out of queen mode and looked me straight in the eyes, like a friend. "But I wouldn't worry about it if I were you. It's not as though you'll look any good in one."

Ah, yes. The same point she covered when we went to buy kimonos at the bon festival. Also the point which explained why, in spite of her initial explanation indicating that she'd bought the three gis for the females of the group, Koizumi got the third gi and Nagato had to wear her gym clothes.

Really, though, I wouldn't have minded Haruhi giving Koizumi a gi for the purposes of eye candy if it weren't diminishing my own supply of eye candy in the process. Miss Asahina looked very good in a gi, but it was a step down from her usual maid and nurse costumes, being a little too chaste and not nearly as cute. And while I was much less concerned with Haruhi and Nagato's looks, they were wearing the reverse of what would be the most flattering attire for them: gym clothes to match Haruhi's free spirit and expose the full length of her gorgeously honed legs, and a gi to enhance Nagato's soothing China doll beauty.

But I'm getting way off the point. Back to the present. Knowing better than to argue with Haruhi's selection, I got up off the "floor", walked into the "arena", and bowed to my "instructor". Our karate class took place on the outdoor track, with actual practice taking place on a single mat (which Haruhi had borrowed without permission from the physical education department). Not exactly your traditional training dojo, and since this was still January, it was pretty damn cold. Still, it's not like we had a good alternative. The literary club room simply didn't have enough space for karate training (a fact that, incidentally, Haruhi had failed to account for until I pointed it out).

Haruhi put her hands on her hips. "Okay, everyone, I'm going to teach you your first throw. Kyon, grab me from behind."

"Um..." Yeah, awkward. "How do you mean?"

"Just stand behind me, and grab me. Not a hard concept."

_Not really answering my question, either._ But rather than keep pressing for clarification, I decided to assume she meant me to grab her in the least embarrassing way possible. I took hold of her upper arm with both hands.

"What are you doing?" Her tone was withering.

"You told me to grab you."

"Not like that, idiot. I'm trying to teach you guys how to defend yourselves from getting beaten up or raped, not getting pulled aside for a private conversation!"

Koizumi and Miss Asahina giggled, and I could feel my face getting red. "Well, I'm not a bully or a rapist, so I don't know how this done. Where am I supposed to grab?"

"Just wrap your arms around my front, like you're trying to kidnap me and want me to be unable to fight back."

That was almost exactly what I was afraid of. I'm sure Haruhi would be fine with wherever my hands went so long as I didn't purposely grope her, but to me touching certain parts of a friend's body, even while they were securely covered by a karate gi, crossed a line that could never be uncrossed. That went triple while Koizumi and Miss Asahina were watching. If this went wrong, he would never stop mentioning it, and she might never speak to me again.

After a moment's hesitation, I went for what I figured was the safest approach. I wrapped my right arm around Haruhi's throat and my left arm around her stomach and elbows.

"Very good, Kyon!" She sounded mildly surprised. "You've grabbed me at a vulnerable part of my body and restrained both of my arms. I'm at your mercy."

_I don't even want to understand why that__ sound__s so__ disturbing._

"Now, pay attention everyone! The key to this move is using the element of surprise and turning your attacker's weight against him. Therefore, it's got to be done quickly. Grab your attacker, crouch to center your energy, and flip. Grab, crouch, flip!"

"Huh? Flip? Wh-"

As I was trying to get that question out, she bent her arms at the elbow to seize my right arm with both hands, then flipped me over her shoulders. As I went sailing through the air, I let out an astonished scream and twisted myself about. When I hit the mat, landing on my back, my body went one way, and the arm Haruhi was holding went in a completely incompatible one.

I howled like a man being ripped apart.

"M-Miss Suzumiya! What did you do to him?" Miss Asahina wailed. "What did you do?!"

The next moment, she was by my side, clutching my uninjured arm, while Haruhi released the other one and stepped back, mouth gaping open. Just having our clubroom angel there, her divine hands holding on to me, her beautiful face weeping with concern, the front of her gi slipping to reveal her mole, immensely eased my pain.

"Don't cry, Miss Asahina," I managed, though I couldn't completely suppress my grimace. "I'm okay."

"No you're not!" she sobbed, and her grip on my arm tightened so sharply that I flinched in pain. "She threw you up in the air so high... wh-wh-why did she have to throw you so high?!... and when you came down, you..."

She broke down, burying her tear-soaked face against my chest. It felt worth the injury.

"What are you talking about?" Haruhi objected. "He just twisted his arm a little. Nothing to make a fuss about."

Miss Asahina was pulling my sleeve up to my right shoulder to examine for herself. "I think you may have dislocated his shoulder! P-Please, Miss Suzumiya, don't hurt him anymore. If you need someone to demonstrate on, use me instead!"

"Hurt him? Are you stupid? Why would I hurt any of my brigade members?"

Koizumi put a hand on Haruhi's shoulder and started gently pulling her away. "You'd better come inside and sit down for a minute, Miss Suzumiya. Misses Nagato and Asahina can take care of Kyon."

"What do you mean, take care of him? He's fine! Tell them, Kyon!"

I avoided eye contact with her and said nothing. Sure, having Miss Asahina minister to me was doing wonders, but making light of my injury, especially when she was the one who caused it, was really low.

"Kyon! You know you're not really hurt! Stop being a crybaby!"

Koizumi continued to speak soothing words to her, and she allowed him to pull her back into the school.

Meanwhile, Miss Asahina was still clinging to me most pleasantly, and Nagato had approached to lay hands on my shoulder.

"Uh, Nagato... what are you..." I trailed off there because she had begun to stare at me with inhuman intensity. It made me rather uncomfortable.

Koizumi came back out. "Miss Nagato, have you examined him yet?"

Her stare became less intense, but she did not look at Koizumi. "Sprain."

"How bad is it? Will he need medical attention?"

"No."

"Good." His tone sobered. "Miss Asahina, I should not need to remind you not to needlessly upset Miss Suzumiya. That includes both assuming the worst of Kyon's injury and rebuking her for what was clearly an accident."

She averted her eyes. "I-I'm sorry. I was just so worried about poor Kyon, I..."

"Leave her alone," I snapped. "Your precious Miss Suzumiya obviously isn't upset about this at all."

"Really?" He cocked an eyebrow. "Then you think there is nothing unusual about Miss Suzumiya allowing someone to drag her away?"

He had a point there.

"I understand your being offended by her comments. But you haven't left her much choice. Miss Suzumiya is not one to let her feelings show to begin with, and you have made it clear that her affection for you makes you uncomfortable. In cases like these, she has to release her feelings somehow."

He was being a little unfair – so far as I could recall, the only time I'd really rebuffed Haruhi's emotions was that one time that she kissed me. But again, he did have something of a point. Haruhi did have feelings, and she was bad about expressing them.

"All right." I got up off the floor. "I get it."

I walked over to the school entrance, the others following behind me. I opened the door.

Haruhi stood waiting on the other side. "Kyon!"

"My arm isn't dislocated," I said, wanting to get that out there as soon as possible. "I'm sorry I worried you."

"Who said I was worried?" she huffed. "I told you you weren't really hurt."

I smiled. Seen this way, you really couldn't stay mad at Haruhi. "Well, with the way I screamed, I could see how you might have been worried."

"All the same, Miss Suzumiya," Koizumi said, "I think we've all had a little much excitement for one day. Do you think we could cut today's lesson short and pick it up again tomorrow?"

"Mmm... sure! We got the demonstration out of the way, anyway, so we should be able to finish it off tomorrow and still have plenty of time for another lesson. Make sure you rest that arm up, okay, Kyon? Just in case."

* * *

By now you must be wondering what any of this has to do with Taniguchi, or even have forgotten that I was talking about Taniguchi at all. Well, on Tuesday, I again didn't see Taniguchi on my walk up the hill, and because of what happened at karate class the day before, this time I noticed. Because I was fearing that he would run up and slap my sprained right shoulder.

I suppose that isn't much justification for telling you all about Monday's karate class. I could have just said I sprained my shoulder in karate class and been done with it. Still, somehow I feel that it is relevant.

Anyway, as I took my seat in front of Haruhi, I could feel some of my anxiety about karate lessons resurface. "Hey," I greeted her.

"Hey."

"Any chance we could start taking it easier in karate?"

"We're taking it as easy as possible already. Like I said yesterday, I'm not going to hurt any of you."

"Except you did..."

"You only got hurt because you twisted yourself around in midair." She sighed heavily. "If you had just trusted me and taken the fall, you would have been fine. Like the way you trust Mikuru."

_You don't inspire trust._

After that less than satisfactory exchange, the day continued to go against me. I'd somehow done the wrong reading the night before, and the teacher called on me. After embarrassing myself in front of the class, I got to enjoy Haruhi poking me in the back with her mechanical pencil and offering to help with my studying. I irritably told her no.

Then came lunchtime.

"You're looking pretty down again, Taniguchi," Kunikada observed.

"Leave me alone."

"Got another headache?" I asked, in a tone that made it clear that by now I was fully skeptical of that excuse.

"Get bent."

I snorted. "If you don't want anyone to talk to you, why did you come sit with us as usual?"

"Go ahead and talk! Just stop poking fun at my misery!"

"Okay, then." I paused for a mouthful of rice. "Speaking of misery, Haruhi has started karate lessons back up. I'm starting to think she only has them as an excuse to throw me around like a rag doll. Just yesterday, she -"

"I don't want to hear you talk about your mentally challenged girlfriend, either," Taniguchi grumbled. "You always complain about her, but you wouldn't keep going to that club if you weren't getting some sick masochistic pleasure out of the beatings she gives you. If that's how you get off, fine, but you don't have to ruin my appetite with it."

Ordinarily I have a good deal of patience with Taniguchi. There is very little that can penetrate my emotional stoicism, and I've endured worse with no more than a little mental reminder that Taniguchi is an idiot who can't be held responsible for the drivel that rushes out of his mouth like filth from a ruptured septic tank.

However, my right shoulder was still in considerable pain, so I was really in no mood to deal with anyone else's problems. Maybe Kunikada sensed this, because right as I opened my mouth to deliver a retort so scathing it might be considered inhumane, he threw in, "Say, the last time I saw Taniguchi in this bad a mood was before he got his own girlfriend, around Christmas. Do you suppose the two of them broke up?"

"Hey!" Taniguchi leaned across the desk. "You don't even know what you're talking about! Just because we haven't been out in a few weeks doesn't mean we've broken up! We're just taking it easy, that's all."

Kunikada shot me a knowing glance. He was an idiot in his own way, but I had to admit that this time, he had hit the nail on the head.

"Screw both of you." Taniguchi dumped the remaining half of his box lunch into his mouth, stood up, and aimed a recriminating finger at us. "Juff buckuf mai rewaythunthip ith gwing thwoo uh wuf pwach, duzent mween oo cwan thick or nozs oup aht mee! Tho fook oo!"

Every angry, incomprehensible word was punctuated by a tiny piece of chewed up food being spat in our direction. One of them hit my cheek. When he was done, Taniguchi stormed off.

Kunikada stared after him. "Boy, he's really taking it hard, isn't he."

"Well, she was his first high school girlfriend," I remarked, flicking off Taniguchi's projectile food and refocusing on my lunch. "Probably his last one, too."

"Maybe you should have a talk with him."

"That's a really bad idea. Besides, why me?"

"Well, you're his best friend, aren't you?"

"Only because he's really short on friends."

"And you have a way with people, Kyon. Plus, you've had a girl break up with you, too, so you can understand what he's going through."

"Oh, yeah, my breakup. Remember how sympathetic Taniguchi was when he heard about that?"

"I'll admit he's not the most sensitive person in the world, but -"

"Look, Taniguchi can get over his girlfriend trouble on his own, okay? I've got my own problems." As if to emphasize this point, I flinched at a sudden pain in my shoulder.

* * *

My shoulder was still feeling sensitive when we gathered for the SOS Brigade meeting.

"That's odd," Koizumi said. "Miss Nagato, could you take a look at him before Miss Suzumiya arrives?"

Once again, Nagato touched my shoulder and stared intensely. "No change."

"None?"

"The shoulder is healing normally. Otherwise, no change."

"Then there is nothing to account for the sharp pains Kyon has been experiencing today?"

"Nothing."

Koizumi gave me a helpless shrug. "There's nothing else to be done, then. Hopefully if you just give it time, the pain will go away."

I nodded. It wasn't a major concern, just something I thought I should have checked on, since when Haruhi was involved, something like a curious pain in your shoulder might be a lot more.

The clubroom door burst open, and there was our leader. "Good afternoon, everyone! Nobody's changed yet? Good, because we're not doing karate today. I've been watching the skies, and it occurred to me that today is just the sort of day that aliens might be expected to visit our city! We reconvene at the cafe to plan out our search!"

That was Haruhi. Changing plans at a moment's notice, without giving the least consideration to anyone else. It was enough to make me smile for the first time that day.


	2. Chapter 2

On Wednesday, Taniguchi didn't show up for school.

"Do you think it has to do with our argument yesterday?" Kunikada said to me at lunch.

"What argument? He just flipped out at anything we tried talking about and left. Anyway, who cares? He'll be back once he's done sobbing about his ex-girlfriend."

"I don't know. There could be more to it than that."

"If you're so worried about him, give him a call. No one's stopping you."

"I think I'd just make things worse. It'd be better if you called."

_Sure, pass the buck. Some friend._

* * *

That afternoon the SOS Brigade was back to karate lessons, so I had to show Haruhi I could throw Koizumi over my head the way she'd done to me.

It didn't go so well. I got the grab and crouch parts down fine, but when I tried the throw part, a shooting pain in my shoulder made me gasp and let go of Koizumi, falling to my knees.

Haruhi sighed. "Come on, Kyon, Koizumi doesn't weigh that much!"

"Miss Suzumiya, I think it's his shoulder sprain," Koizumi said.

"Again? I thought by now it would have healed up, at least enough to do an undemanding move like this one."

Small wonder she thought that. Knowing Haruhi, all her scrapes, bruises, and assorted injuries probably healed overnight. "I'm okay," I said. "It hurt really bad for a second, but the pain went away as soon as I let go."

"And you think that means you're all clear to try again, huh?" She rapped the top of my head with a knuckle, hard enough to make me wince. "Idiot! Don't you know that exercising with an injured limb can cause permanent damage? Step aside and practice your kicks. Everyone else, show me the move."

Actually, I had no desire to try that move again; I only said I was okay so she wouldn't worry. For once, the mind reader had read me wrong.

For a minute or two I had a sort of peace. Haruhi was supervising the others while I mindlessly kicked the air in front of me over and over. It was oddly meditative. But before long the brigade chief turned her hypercritical eye back on me. "Kyon, you need to be kicking higher! Those kicks wouldn't knock over a five-year-old, even if he was short enough that they reached his jaw!"

I nodded wearily, and started kicking about a centimeter higher.

"Hey, there's something bothering you, isn't there?"

"I don't know what you mean."

"Come on. Even you aren't usually _this_ sulky."

_Sulky? Just because my kicks aren't achieving your standard of perfection?_

"I'm not just talking about right now. You've been like this all day. Is something going on?"

My mind involuntarily went to Taniguchi. "Nothing major."

She nodded, and we left it at that.

* * *

On my way home, I stopped by Taniguchi's house. His father answered the door. I asked if Taniguchi was around.

"He's been up in his room doing his homework ever since he got back from school," he answered. "It's a nice change from his usual practices of dating his girl of the month and hanging out with his airhead friends all evening."

_Now I remember why I hate talking to my friends' parents._ "I won't keep him from his homework for long, sir. I promise."

He nodded and jerked a thumb upstairs.

I headed on up to Taniguchi's room. So, he'd lied to his father about skipping school. And judging by that bit about "dating his girl of the month", this wasn't the first time he'd lied to his father about where he was. I got the feeling it wasn't homework I'd find him doing, either.

There was strange music coming from the room. As usual, I opened the door and walked in without knocking.

Taniguchi's room was a mess. Though I guess I'm not one to talk, given what my own room looks like. Clothes and magazines were dumped about everywhere, and Taniguchi himself was laid back on his bed with his head resting on his hands and a manga with a mostly-naked girl on the cover lying on his chest. He was just staring at the ceiling.

The music was at a volume that makes your insides quiver, and was full of doom-laden organ chords and piercing guitar fills. The vocalist was singing in a gothic monotone, "...and you threw me to the dogs, left me bleeding on my knees..."

There wasn't much out of the ordinary here, just the weird music, but somehow I was getting a creepy feeling up my spine. "Hey," I said.

Taniguchi started. "What are you doing here?"

"You left your door unlocked," I said, closing it behind me. "Your dad could have walked in any moment and seen you weren't really doing your homework."

He leaned back to resume staring at the ceiling. "If he does, I'll just tell him I finished it already. What are you doing here?"

I stuffed my hands in my pockets. "I lent you Ys VIII over a month ago."

"So?"

"So, I want it back. I'm in the mood to play it again."

"I'm up to the final boss. I just need another day or two to beat him."

"Uh huh. How many weeks have you been stuck on that boss so far?"

"Screw you." He got up, letting his trashy manga fall in a mess of bent pages on the floor, and grabbed a game box off a shelf. He shoved it against my chest. "Here's your stupid game back."

I didn't budge, didn't bat an eye. Just kept looking at him steadily. "That's the game box. I'd like the game that came with it when I lent it to you."

He muttered something unintelligible, and walked over to another shelf. As he did so, whatever horrible song was playing through his speakers ended, and another song started. He took the game cartridge out of the system, then thrust both it and the box at me. "Satisfied, asshole?"

I took the game from him. "You really don't have a good excuse for being angry at me."

"Well, you really don't have a good excuse for coming over here and being a jerk."

It penetrated my brain that his speakers weren't playing another song; this was the same song, on a loop. "What is this garbage you're listening to?"

"You don't know anything. This song is my personal anthem, the music of my heart. It gives voice to all the deep emotions I have stirring inside me."

"Uh huh." Since I wasn't getting a real answer out of Taniguchi, I took a look at the screen. It said "Throw a Bean Back in Time – Naked Death". I'd never heard of either the artist or the song, but that was no surprise. Only a mental patient would listen to this sort of thing.

"Are you done here yet?" Taniguchi grumbled.

"Oh, I'm sorry. I interrupted your staring at the ceiling, didn't I?"

"Shut up. I don't need you annoying me right now. I have problems that I'm trying to work out. Problems that you wouldn't understand."

_If I wouldn't understand them, then you haven't got a prayer of working them out. But that's okay, because I have __zer__o interest in hearing you whine about them._ "Fine. I'll see you tomorrow, then?"

"Maybe." He headed back to his bed.

"Your dad's going to find out eventually if you keep skipping school."

"What, and you give a shit?"

"I don't. But you should."

I left, closing the door behind me.

As I walked back home, I reflected on the changes in Taniguchi. One, he usually wasn't that foul-mouthed. Two, that definitely wasn't his taste in music. For as long as I'd know him, the only music Taniguchi listened to was pop, usually sung by women aged 15 to 25 with big breasts to compensate for their little talent.

And of course, there was the lying to his father. Taniguchi wasn't a model son – you didn't have to know him for more than 15 seconds to figure that out – but he had a normal, healthy fear of his parents. Ordinarily. I hated to think it, but I got the impression he really didn't care if his father found out he'd skipped school. Or at least, that he felt like it didn't matter. Because it all came down to feelings, not thoughts or reason.

_Well, whatever. It's not really my business, and he'll be back to normal in two or three days anyway._

_Damn, my shoulder hurts._

* * *

Taniguchi was back in school the next day, Thursday. But he didn't greet me on the walk up the hill, didn't acknowledge me when he walked into the classroom, and most unusual, he didn't join Kunikada and me for lunch.

"Now I'm really starting to think he's mad at us because of Tuesday," Kunikada said.

"He probably just needs a little time to himself." I opted not to bring up what I'd seen in his room the day before. I shifted about in my seat, flinching at the pain in my shoulder.

"I guess that's possible. So, how are the karate lessons going?"

"Brutal," I sighed. "Haruhi's been taking it easier on me since I sprained my arm, but I get the impression she's chomping at the bit to throw me around again. Yesterday she hinted that she wanted to put me back in regular action the moment I'm healed enough to not do myself permanent injury. And she always uses me to demonstrate moves on. It's like she's angry at me, except she's not."

That sounded weird. But Kunikada responded with a thoughtful nod. "That may be so, in a way. Suzumiya is sexually mature, right? That means she has certain urges, even if they're in conflict with what she consciously wants out of life. In conjunction with that, she's spent the past half a year seated behind, and doing club activities with, a person of the opposite sex who listens to her and shares her interests. She's probably getting impatient to mate."

I let my face fall into my palm. _I should have seen this coming when we started covering sexual reproduction Monday. Kunikada always tries to apply academics to relationships, no matter how mismatched the subject. No wonder he's had even fewer girlfriends than Taniguchi._

"The problem is, she's sensed a lack of sexual interest from you in your manner, and probably in your pheromones. This causes subconscious frustration, which periodically gets worse when she's in heat."

_Are people pointing and snickering at us? I feel like people must be pointing and snickering at us._

"Initially, she probably tried to address this frustration by giving you stronger signals of her sexual receptiveness. That's why she dated you for a while. I'll bet she even tried to get you alone at your place or hers, right?"

_Damn it, we need Taniguchi back. At least when he's crude enough to say that a girl needs to get laid, he just straight out says that she needs to get laid. He doesn't spout off this pseudo-scientific, amateur psychology nonsense. And if he were here, he'd have gotten bored with Kunikada's spiel after two sentences and turned the conversation to some of his own nonsense. Me? All I can do is sit and listen, because I'm too polite to interrupt._

"Anyway, you didn't respond positively to her hints, which made the frustration worse. Since you're the source of her frustration, she takes it out on you, through these karate lessons."

"Kunikada," I said, finally having taken enough. "Haruhi is most definitely not interested in sex right now."

"Mmm. Like I said, these urges might be in conflict with what she consciously wants. Just because she says..."

And so on. It was useless arguing with him. You had to know Haruhi to understand that she wasn't feeling any particular urge to have sex, and Kunikada definitely didn't know Haruhi. Certainly, Haruhi had sexual urges, but she wasn't keeping them bottled up where they might come out as a karate kick to the face. That's not the kind of thing she keeps repressed.

Besides, I'd be the last person she'd want to have sex with. She'd told me that straight out last week. _"We should be more than classmates, more than friends, more than lovers."_ I wasn't sure what she meant by that, but if I'd managed to successfully decode anything from the confusing signals Haruhi had been sending my way almost from day one, it's that she wanted our relationship to be something special and pure.

Guys like Taniguchi and Kunikada would never understand that. To them, every relationship with a girl has its climax in a bunch of naked grunting and sweating. Maybe if he understood that girls are looking for more than that, Taniguchi's girlfriend wouldn't have broken up with him.

* * *

Haruhi sighed in exasperation. "_Still_ not healed up? Well, I guess you'll have to hold off on learning your first throw for another day."

I actually _was_ a little disappointed by that. Throwing Koizumi onto the ground was one of the few parts of taking karate lessons that sounded like it might be fun. Still, trading in a day of karate out in the winter air for a day of sitting next to the heater and drinking Miss Asahina's tea was a transaction that I could feel pretty happy about.

"So for today, we'll move on to the next lesson. Get changed, everyone!"

My heart sank. I guess Haruhi wasn't willing to take more than one day off from karate each week.

"Personally, I prefer the brisk pacing of lessons," Koizumi commented to me as we headed out to meet the girls. "The more quickly we move through them, the more quickly we'll master the techniques and satisfy Miss Suzumiya. You wouldn't prefer their being drawn out, would you?"

"I guess not," I allowed. "But that's all easy for you to say. You have no trouble learning the techniques, and you don't have a sprain to deal with. When these damn lessons are over, I'll probably be no better at karate than I was when we started."

"You're too hard on yourself. Maybe you can't see it from your perspective, but you have already become more adept. I've noticed it, and more importantly, Miss Suzumiya has noticed it. She may be frustrated with your progress at times, but I'm sure she'll be very pleased when you've completed our training."

That would be nice. But I wasn't as confident as Koizumi that these lessons had any sort of endgame.

Once we were all gathered on the track, Haruhi announced, "Alright, I need a volunteer for this one. Kyon!"

I cast my eyes towards the dreary clouds overhead. "Did you forget? My shoulder's injured."

"Don't worry; this won't put any stress on your arm. Now get up here."

"Can't you pick someone else for today?"

She bent her head in consideration. "I guess it is time for someone else to have their turn. Mikuru!"

She started. "A-ah!"

"Front and center!"

The poor girl trembled. "Y-y-you want to...d-d-demonstrate on me?"

"Yes, now hurry up and get over here! I'm in a bad mood."

That made her tremble even more.

"No, no," I sighed, and stood up. "I'll do it."

Kunikada had been right about one thing: Haruhi was frustrated. Not for the reason he thought, but because she wanted that special relationship with me, and I didn't. I couldn't allow her to take that out on Miss Asahina.

"Alright," Haruhi said. "Now I'm going to show you one of the best ways to handle a head-on attack. There are three steps to this one, and you have to do them all so quickly that you won't be able to tell what's going on in my demonstration unless you know what to look for. First, grab the attacker's arm to lock them into place. Second, sweep your leg behind one of theirs to trip them. Finally, shove them in the chest with the flat of your hand, knocking them onto their back. Got it? Okay. Kyon, try to punch me in the face."

I did a straight, focused punch, just like she'd taught us. It went a good three centimeters to the left of Haruhi's head. But Haruhi hadn't budged from where she stood.

"I said try to punch me, not try to fake me out," she said, looking up at me through half-lidded eyes. "You're afraid you might actually hit me, aren't you? You're never going to lay a finger on me, Kyon, no matter how hard you try."

She was probably right about that, but I wouldn't lay odds on Haruhi letting me live if I did hit her.

"Miss Suzumiya, perhaps we could all simply pretend that Kyon's fist was properly aimed at your face?" Koizumi offered.

"Hmm. Sure, that works. Ready, Kyon? Here we go!"

She wasn't kidding about the three steps being fast. In fact, they felt distinctly like one step. All at once, Haruhi had a grip on my arm and a hand slapping against my chest, and the back of my head was hitting the mat. Sudden though it was, though, nothing was wrenched out of place. Nothing felt like it had gone wrong. It was as if Haruhi had just laid me down on the ground to rest at the speed of a bullet train. I took a breath of relief.

And then Haruhi's fist slammed into my stomach, driving all the air from my lungs in one swift "Whooooooof!"

While I was clutching at my stomach, curled up into the fetal position, my pummeled innards too terrified to draw another breath, Haruhi lectured, "You see, everyone? This move not only repels the attack and turns it against your attacker, it puts him in the perfect position for you to strike back! Do it right, and he won't know what hit him. Got it?"

Miss Asahina looked concerned about me, but she but her lip and agreeably nodded along with Koizumi.

"Whuh... what are you doing?" I managed. "That wasn't one of the three steps!"

"Well, of course not. It's too obvious to be one of the three steps. If you've got your opponent down on the ground, why wouldn't you punch them in a vulnerable spot?"

"If it's that obvious, then why the hell did you have to make it part of the demonstration?" I tried to stand up, but I couldn't yet fully uncurl my stomach. "You're using this whole karate thing just as an excuse to beat me up! Wasn't it enough that you sprained my shoulder? Are you going to try to maim me next?"

Haruhi just gawked at me for a second. "...What sort of nonsense are you talking about? The whole point of these lessons is to make sure you guys _don't_ get beaten up! And if I wanted to beat someone up, I'd pick someone who was at least going to fight back, not just stand there and take it! Idiot." She sighed. "Alright, class is dismissed for the day! We'll reconvene tomorrow. Hopefully Kyon will have stopped whining by then."

She walked off, and the others stood up to follow along behind her. After a moment, though, Miss Asahina turned around, noticing that I still was unable to get to my feet. Her eyes softened with sympathy.

She turned back and bent down to offer me a hand, shyly smiling at me. "Do you need help up, Kyon?"

Even if I hadn't, I would gladly have accepted that particular helping hand. It was always a blessing to see Miss Asahina's gentleness and compassion, particularly since those two qualities were completely foreign to our brigade chief.

"Mikuru!" That one barked word made the girl's angelic smile shatter into a terrified grimace. "Get over here! If Kyon wants to be whiny, then he can take care of himself! You shouldn't reward people for pouting."

Miss Asahina looked torn. But I gave her a reassuring nod, and with a last apologetic glance, she turned away and obeyed Haruhi's order. The lot of them left me alone on the field.

It took a minute, but eventually the pain in my stomach subsided enough for me to get to my feet. The mat was still under me; apparently Haruhi expected me to take care of it myself. I folded it up and lugged it with me back into the school. Besides putting it away, I still needed to change out of my gym clothes and get my bag.

I was nearing the SOS Brigade clubroom when I saw Haruhi coming in the opposite direction, having already changed out of her gi. I felt the strong urge to retreat back around a corner to avoid running into her.

Which was strange. She'd just punched me in the stomach for no good reason. So why did I feel ashamed?

As we came close, she said "Hey," and quickly turned her eyes away.

I caught the indignant tilt of her head as we passed each other. I felt the chill winter air between us. I heard her footsteps behind me, growing more distant.

"Haruhi," I said, and turned around, swinging the mat around with me.

She still had her back to me, but she had stopped. "What?"

I didn't even think about what I was saying. "I know you're giving us these karate lessons because you're worried about us, and because you want us to be able to defend ourselves. I know you don't get any pleasure or satisfaction out of hitting me." I sighed. "I shouldn't have accused you of trying to hurt me."

She still had her back to me. She hadn't even budged. Yet somehow, her whole tone had changed. I had the suspicion that she was keeping her back to me to hide what she was feeling.

"It wasn't really you that I was mad at. It's just..." I still was talking without thinking, but I felt that I couldn't stop there, that I had to keep going. "...just this thing with Taniguchi. Kunikada and I think his girlfriend broke up with him... He's been really sullen the past few days. Yesterday he skipped school. I dropped by his house, and I got the impression he'd spent the whole day reading trashy manga and listening to 'Throw a Bean Back in Time' on repeat. Today he had lunch by himself, and -"

Haruhi turned around. "Listening to _what_ on repeat?"

"'Throw a Bean Back in Time' by Naked Death. It's this horrible goth song. He said it's the music of his heart now, or something like that."

"Really? What's it about?"

_THIS is what you want to focus on?_ "I don't know. I didn't exactly sit and listen to the whole thing, and anyway, a lot of the words were in English."

"I'll have to listen to it for myself, then. Where's your phone?"

"Huh? Back in the clubroom. Can't you just use yours?"

"It's low on battery." She was already marching back to the clubroom, while I trailed along. "I can't risk it running out, or I might miss an opportunity to photograph a UFO."

"Wait a second. Are you planning to download that song onto my phone?"

"Yeah, so? It's only like 100 yen."

"But that's not urgent. Just download it on your own phone tonight, after you've charged it."

"Not urgent?" She pushed the door to the clubroom open, and turned to briefly glare at me. "Your friend is in trouble, this song could be the whole key to his problem, and you think that's not urgent?"

_Uh huh. I'm pretty sure what's going on here is that you heard a song title with a reference to time travel, and promptly decided you had to hear it. You don't give a damn about Taniguchi's problems._

She dug my phone out of my bag and started searching the music store while I put the mat away. That done, I sat down at the table opposite her. She was watching the screen.

"So, why did she break up with him?" she asked.

"I don't know. Who cares?"

"It could be important. Didn't he tell you anything about their relationship?"

"He didn't talk about it all, except to gloat about the fact that he had a girlfriend when we didn't."

"I guess that's no real surprise. Boys are terrible about talking about their feelings." She dug her earbuds out of her bag and plugged them in. She put one in her right ear and held the other out to me.

I shook my head. _Really have no desire to listen to that song again._

She shrugged and put it in her left ear.

For the next few minutes I just sat there watching Haruhi's facial expressions. First she looked discerning, eyelids faintly crinkled as she stared into empty space, mouth firmly closed in noncommitment. Then intrigued, her eyes softly widening, an index finger thoughtfully stroking her cheek. A minute later, her head sagged against that finger, eyes drooping as if she were losing interest. At one point she rolled her eyes. Towards the end, though, she was rhythmically bobbing her head from left to right.

At last she removed her earbuds. "So?" I prompted.

"It's not bad. The tune is pretty sophisticated, and it's very evocative, too. The lyrics aren't as interesting as I'd hoped, though."

"I meant, does it tell you anything about Taniguchi's emotional state?"

"No, you didn't." She leaned forward, looking me directly in the eye, and smiled. "You were wondering what I thought about the song."

_What, you know what I was thinking better than I do? That's more unbelievable than you not recognizing that song for the crap it is._

"You have to sit and listen to it properly. It's not some pop song where you don't even have to think about it. Anyway, it sounds like your friend is pretty bitter about his girlfriend breaking up with him. That's all I can say."

"Why, what's the song about? Can you translate the English parts for me?"

"Sure, but I'll have to listen to it again." She put the earbuds back in and pushed play. As the song got past the intro, she started dictating the lyrics in Japanese:

"I was lying in cool waters  
on a desert island shore  
The night turned into an angry child  
Could I find something more

You broke through the eggshell  
with a hammer made of brass  
You talked just like an alien  
The sight was blinding

You opened the door but you never stopped to knock on the wood  
If you called me I'd write you baby but this operation ain't what it should  
And when I look at what you've made of me  
I throw a bean back in time  
I throw a bean back in time

If this was a hail and farewell  
I'd be safe right where I am  
but you brought me to Olympus  
put me in a risky, dangerous game

You let me on the ground floor but you wouldn't show me what was in store  
Cause your basement was full of horrors like something out of 1944  
When I start to wonder what's buried in that wall  
I draw a sign in the stars  
I draw a sign in the stars

You cast me into exile  
You tried and found me guilty  
and you threw me to the dogs  
left me bleeding on my knees

I tore open the present but there was only dead worms there inside  
but the bird was still living and I wished that I could catch it in flight  
And when I look at you  
before the dream faded  
and before the tassels frayed  
I know that I'm crazy but  
I throw a bean back in time  
I throw a bean back in time"

There was a minute of silence before she took the earbuds back out.

"What does all that crap _mean_?" I wearily asked.

She shrugged. "Nothing, really. It's just your standard boy meets girl, girl gets sick of boy and leaves, boy blames everything about the relationship and several things that have nothing to do with the relationship on the girl. Sometimes I wonder if there's some rule that you can't write song lyrics unless you're a misogynist." Her tone was bored. "Anyway, that's the general concept, but the actual lyrics are mostly random metaphors meant to sound deep which don't actually mean anything in context."

"So throwing a bean back in time, and that bit about a bird still being alive -"

"Are complete nonsense, yup." She leaned her cheek against her wrist, smooshing the right side of her face. "That's the way it usually is with English lyrics. Most of the time the songwriter doesn't even know what the words mean, and just uses them because he thinks they sound cool."

Well, that figured. Taniguchi was as bad at English as I was, so he probably wouldn't have been able to get anything out of those lyrics whatever they said.

"But they still might mean something to your friend," she pointed out. "Some people read meaning into things that don't really mean anything, you know? Something to think about." She pushed my phone towards me. "I have to get going. See you tomorrow."

"Yeah. Thanks for the translation."

"Anytime."

* * *

_"They still might mean something to your friend."_

But what, I pondered for much of that evening. What could throwing a bean back in time possibly mean to Taniguchi? It couldn't be literal. Taniguchi was too normal, not to mention unimaginative, to even contemplate the possibility of time travel. But what could going back in time possibly serve as a metaphor for? Memory? And where did the bean come into it?

I tried calling Taniguchi. To see if he was interested in seeing _Edge of Chaos_ this weekend. He didn't answer. I hung up without leaving a message. He could see I'd called, and would call back if he wanted.

This whole thing was stupid, anyway. Friendships aren't supposed to require high maintenance. Your friends are supposed to just be there, and let you be there for them. So why was Taniguchi cutting off contact with his friends? And why was I brooding over this like he was my girlfriend? Completely stupid. If he didn't want my help, why should I be so eager to force it on him?


	3. Chapter 3

Friday morning I walked into class to see Haruhi looking particularly thoughtful. She had her fingers entwined, her jaw resting on them in a way that was pleasing to see without seeming rehearsed or even self-conscious. Soft lines had formed on the surface of her brow. Her eyes were clear and bright, as though slowly but surely piercing the murk of a problem.

I don't know why I'm spending so much time describing a person I see every day, always at the same hour, always wearing the same uniform and hairdo.

I have even less idea why I felt such a strong urge to talk to her.

She beat me to the punch. "Hey. How's your shoulder?"

I hadn't even thought about it until she mentioned it. When I did think about it, I was surprised. "It's... a little better, actually."

"But still not good enough to throw someone with, huh?" She released a puff of breath. "Okay, I guess we can have another day off from karate lessons. But if your shoulder isn't all better come Monday, we're taking you to the hospital. The fancy hospital, the one Koizumi's cousin or whatever runs. I swear, a sprain isn't supposed to take this long to heal."

_Like you'd know._ "Hey, Haruhi. Why do you always pick me to demonstrate moves on?"

"I don't _always_ pick you."

_Right. Just nine times out of ten, that's all._

"Okay, look." She glanced to the side as though concerned about potential eavesdroppers. "Mikuru and Yuki... They're really small and cute and vulnerable. You can see that, right? It doesn't feel right to be punching and kicking them and throwing them onto the ground. That's why I mainly demonstrate on them for simple blocks and breaking holds."

_Ah, if only you knew the truth about Nagato._

"And Koizumi... I'm a little... nervous about him. He could never beat me in a fight, but I'm always worried when I demonstrate a move on him that he's going to flail around and accidentally kick me in the teeth or something." She turned her eyes back on me. "So, yeah. It's basically process of elimination."

I frowned. "If you're afraid of getting hurt by Koizumi, why not by me?"

"You just wouldn't. I don't even understand why, but you wouldn't. Remember yesterday's lesson? I asked you to try to punch me, and you couldn't do it. You couldn't even decently fake it." She tapped the side of her jaw. "Maybe it's normal instinct in humans to not hurt each other. Anyway, I can't seem to make myself trust that Koizumi has that same instinct."

By Haruhi standards, that was an incredibly reasonable explanation. It had been ridiculous for me to think that she had any desire to pummel me specifically, even for a minute. Not half as ridiculous as what Kunikada thought, but still. Haruhi caused an endless amount of grief through recklessness and lack of consideration, but she never purposely set out to hurt someone.

"Hey, about Taniguchi... What would you do in my shoes?"

She looked thoughtful again. "Make him stop moping and go back to having fun with his friends, probably."

"Well, yeah. What I mean is, how do I do that?"

"Isn't that obvious? Talk to him."

"I already tried that."

She looked at me skeptically. "About the breakup and not letting it pull him away from his friends?"

"Uh... I guess not."

"Well, do that. I know you guys are terrible at talking about your feelings, but sometimes there's no way around it. You need to just go right up to him and have it out."

_Sure, of course the one-woman battle fleet would say that._ "But what do I say?"

"What do you want, me to write you a script? You have to play it by ear. Listen to what he says and respond the best way you know. People aren't a science, you know." She slammed a fist down on her desk. "And you've got to be tough with him! When someone is wallowing in self-pity, the last thing you should do is spoil them with your own pity. Just grab him by the collar and straighten him out. You can't be all wishy-washy like you usually are."

_Got it. I'll just beat him into getting over his heartache._

"That's not what I mean," she growled. "Look, when a friend has a serious problem, you have to be forceful to snap them out of it. Otherwise, they'll think you don't really care about them, because you're not making that much of an effort."

"I guess that makes _some_ sense," I allowed.

"Well, that's my advice. If you don't take it, then don't blame me when your friend just ignores everything you say and slits his wrists in the bathtub."

* * *

_Right. I won't take your advice._

It was Saturday. I was sitting in front of the TV, trying to find the one piece of material I needed to forge the next upgrade for my samurai sword. When I was done with that, I was going to find the boss and see how tough he is when I've got another 47 points in my attack stat. After that, barring some unforeseen plot twist, I was going to enjoy the cutscene where my character rescues his scantily clad love interest.

Taniguchi could wait until I'd figured out a real plan. There was no rush. He'd only been depressed for what, two weeks? I'd been overreacting. Maybe he just needed some time to himself to sort things out. If he wasn't better in another week, then I'd talk to him about it. To go over to his house now, with nothing more than, "Hey, I've noticed you haven't been feeling great about losing your girlfriend"... That would be being a nuisance, not a friend.

Slitting his wrists in the bathtub. Good grief, what a morbid imagination Haruhi has.

My phone rang. Seeing it was Kunikada, I propped it up on my shoulder while continuing to play. "Hello?"

"Um... Hi, Kyon... I kind of need some help..."

"What's up?"

"Taniguchi just came by and gave me a bunch of stuff, and... Well, there's some pretty racy manga in here. My parents will kill me if they find it, even if it's crumbled up in the garbage. I don't suppose you'd want to take them, or at least help me get rid of them?"

"Wait. Hold up. He just gave you a bunch of dirty manga?"

"A whole stack of them, and some other stuff too. He said he wouldn't need it any more, and just left."

_To slit his wrists in the bathtub._ "Damn it, Kunikada, how stupid are you? Your friend gives you all his prized possessions, tells you he won't need them anymore, and you just let him walk away?!"

I dropped the controller, hung up without waiting for an answer, and jumped into my winter jacket and shoes. I ran outside, hopped on my bike, and took off pedaling. In what felt like two minutes I skidded up to Taniguchi's house, nearly fell off my bike, and scuffed my leg on my bike chain. Letting it go with just a mild curse, I ran up to the door and pounded on it.

His father answered. "Good day – Kyon, wasn't it?"

"Where's Taniguchi?!"

"In the upstairs bathroom, but -"

I bolted past him.

"- if you have a message I can give it to him!" He lowered his voice to a mutter that was still loud enough for me to hear from upstairs: "The crowd that kid hangs with..."

The sound of rushing water was coming from the bathroom. The door was old, with a worn-out lock that I was confident I could force open. This turned out to be unnecessary, since the door was unlocked. I slammed it open to find Taniguchi standing over the tub with his hand on the faucet.

"Where is it?!" I demanded.

He stared back at me wide-eyed. "What are you doing here?"

I slammed the door closed behind me. "Where's the razor?"

"Razor? Man, you have flipped out."

I grabbed the front of his shirt in my fist. "I'm not playing games here, Taniguchi!"

"It's in my shaving kit! Geez! What do you want it for, anyway?"

"What do _I_ want it for? What do _I_ want it for?!"

"Yeah, what do you want it for."

"You three-faced bastard!" I shook him hard. "You bring all your trashy manga over to Kunikada's, tell him you don't need it anymore -"

"Hey! Maybe I'd have given it to you if you hadn't been coming over here to give me a hard time! Besides, you always said you weren't interested in that stuff."

"I don't want your stupid filthy mags! But the only way you wouldn't need that stuff anymore is..."

"Geez, give me some credit," he said, trying in vain to work his shirt out of my iron grip. "I grow up now and then, you know?"

"...What?"

He sighed. "Oh, I get it. You think I gave Kunikada the good stuff." He shook his head in the manner of a wine connoisseur discussing a 400 yen bottle of pinot noir. "Nah, the ones I gave him are all ultra-tame. There's don't even have any full-frontal nudity. That kind of thing was fine when I was a kid having his first wet dreams, but now they're just taking up space."

I just stood there, momentarily stunned at the collective stupidity involved: Taniguchi's, Kunikada's, mine. Not to mention Taniguchi's estimation of Kunikada's maturity, that he would give him hand-me-down cheesecake.

"Can I turn the water off now, before the tub overflows?"

I let him go. As he turned off the water, I noted that under the faucet was a bucket of soapy water. He'd been getting ready to mop. So it had just been a coincidence?

No way. Haruhi mentions Taniguchi slitting his wrists in his bathtub, and he just happens to say some suicidal-sounding phrases to Kunikada, and just happens to be using the bathtub when I come over? Someone's messing with me. But who? It can't be Haruhi; she wouldn't make a joke that sick, even subconsciously. Someone must have overheard us talking. Not Taniguchi, though – he's not that good an actor.

"So look." Taniguchi hoisted the bucket of water out of the tub. "My life is shit enough without you coming over to yell at me. So get out of here, okay?"

The realization of my mistake may have stunned me for a few seconds, it may even have forced me to change course, but had it dissipated my anger? Hell no. "You think you can push me aside just like that? You've been acting like an asshole all week, you skip school, you stop talking to me and Kunikada, you don't answer my calls, and you think I'm just going to walk away?"

"You're the asshole. My girlfriend dumps me and you treat it like a joke."

"Do I look like I'm joking? Besides, how could I possibly joke about your breakup when you haven't even told me a damn thing about it?"

"Alright, fine. But even if you're not making fun, I don't want to talk about it. Okay?"

He tried to brush past me, but I slammed a hand against the door to hold it closed. "Yeah, that's fine. I don't want to hear about it anyway. I just thought I'd offer to listen, because I'm your friend."

"Some friend. Won't even let me out of my own bathroom." He wasn't looking at me, just slumping his face towards the ground.

"But if you're not going to let anyone help you, then you'd better man up and get over it yourself. It's not like you're the first person to ever get your heart broken. Half the world has gone through what you have. I get it, you feel humiliated, but -"

"You don't get _anything!_" His head snapped in my direction. "You spend your days just hanging out with your girlfriend in that club -"

"Haruhi's not my girlfriend."

"Yeah, because you realized you could get all the same rewards without the expense and responsibility of being her boyfriend! She's so hung up on you, she just sticks close to you without you having to pay the way!"

_Without having to pay the way? Apparently you haven't heard of penalties, Haruhi's way of turning me into her personal credit card. And sure, Haruhi's so hung up on me that she broke up with me after barely a week._

"You just act however you feel like around all the girls you know, knowing that whatever you do, Suzumiya at least will give you chocolate on Valentine's Day. You don't know what it's like for the rest of us. We spend countless hours getting to know all the girls in our grade, memorizing their names and their interests, narrowing down the ones that are worth spending time with and aren't too good for us, taking every opportunity to spend more time with them, and finally, asking them to go out with us, until we're practically begging on our hands and knees. And then nine times out of ten, they say no!

"You don't know anything about it, Kyon. All you do is show up, and within the first month you've got girls like Haruhi Suzumiya and Yuki Nagato dropping into the prone position for you on the classroom floor."

_Good grief. Is he never going to let go of what he saw after Nagato saved me from Asakura? I don't care what he thinks of me, but if he even thinks of damaging Nagato's reputation..._

But my anger was way at the back of my head now. Because as Taniguchi delivered his little speech, he was breaking out into tears.

He... He was actually jealous of me.

I needed to put a stop to this. "Now hold it -"

"You don't know what it's like to finally get something you've been struggling for for so long, and then lose it just like -"

"I said hold it," I said, giving him a light shove in order to grab his attention. "First of all, everything you said about Haruhi is bullshit, and you know it. And even if it were true, you can't live your life feeling sorry for yourself because of what other people have. It's a waste of time, and you can't get time back. Those beans you throw back in time won't sprout. All you can have of the past is memories, and the more time you spend thinking of how lucky other people are, the fewer good memories you'll have. Besides, you're a pretty lucky guy yourself. I guarantee it."

He turned his head from me. "Yeah, right. What makes me so lucky?"

"For starters, you don't have weird aliens trying to kill you."

"Hah?"

"You have parents that care about you. You have friends. You have brothers and sisters. You don't have real worries." I lay a hand on his shoulder. "And even if you don't have a girlfriend right now, you have a lot of traits that would draw girls to you."

He scoffed. "Like what?"

_Damn. I was hoping he wouldn't ask for examples. _"Well... It's not really for me to say, as a heterosexual male, but... just going by what I've heard when talking to girls about the dates they've been on, you know, what they said about the things they liked and didn't like..."

"Right, right..." He waved his hand impatiently.

"Believe it or not, girls like it when a guy is persistent. You might see all those times girls turned you down as failures, but girls see that as a sign that you're the kind of guy who doesn't give up. The kind of guy who doesn't let his pride get in the way of his emotions. Because, you're passionate. Kunikada and I may make fun of the way you throw yourself into chasing girls, but the truth is, we could never do that ourselves. We go about everything like we're bored, and girls don't like that. They want to be treated like they're worth the effort."

"They _are_ worth the effort, you jerk. At least the ones rated A minus or better."

"There, that's it. Someday you're going to meet a girl who's going to love that attitude more than anything."

"Yeah, and with my luck she'll probably be a D." He snorted. "Just leave me alone, will you? Or don't you feel like you've lectured me enough yet?"

I looked at him. He looked like a guy recovering from a hangover. He was right; I was wasting my time here.

"Yeah, I'm done." I opened the bathroom door and stepped out. Then I stopped. "You know... there are two more things that make you lucky. You don't have to suffer through Haruhi's karate lessons. And your friends won't stop having lunch with you just because they're going through some problems."

"Don't you ever shut up?!"

I waved a hand at him and left.

* * *

I awoke on Sunday morning to find that my sprain was healed. I considered calling up Taniguchi, but decided against it. Badgering him day after day would probably hurt more than help. I'd done my best, said my piece, and now it was time to give him a little space. Maybe talk Kunikada into helping out a little.

Monday morning I trudged up the hill to school with the usual weariness that comes with knowing you've got a whole new week to get through.

Then a familiar hand slapped across my shoulder. "Hey, thanks a lot for barging into my house and yelling at me Saturday!"

I couldn't hold back a smug smile. "You're welcome."

"I'm being sarcastic, you stupid jerk! Now my old man says I can't go over your house or have you over any more! He thinks you're some kind of hooligan!"

"Hooligan? Who still uses that word?"

"My old man does. He used a lot of strange words while he was interrogating me about your little visit. I was treated like a prisoner the whole weekend!"

"Sounds rough."

"'Sounds rough'? _'Sounds rough'?_" He jabbed a finger into my chest. Even coming from the side, at an angle, it was strong enough to make me flinch. "You'd better fix this! I want you explaining to my old man that that fight was all your fault, bowing to him ten times while you beg his forgiveness!"

"Alright, alright. I'll do it."

"No, for real. If you don't clear this up, my old man's going to start looking suspiciously at everyone I bring over. Man, he used to think you were one of the good ones! You'd better talk to him soon, or I'm going to make you regret it."

"I said, I'll do it." Inwardly I groaned. Talking to Taniguchi's dad was an ordeal even under normal circumstances.

But I was still smiling.

We walked together to the shoe lockers, doing some catching up, but mostly just talking about the last ball game and whether _Edge of Chaos_ was likely to still be in theaters this coming weekend. The conversation continued as we made our way to class.

An unusual visitor was waiting for us outside. "Kyon! I'm glad I caught you. And, um, Taniguchi, right? I haven't seen you since the cultural festival. What have you been up to?" Miss Asahina smiled brightly, prompting Taniguchi to make some horrendous nervous chuckles.

"Oh, ah, you know... the usual." He was grinning and compulsively scratching the back of his head.

"I see." She bowed her head to him in polite acknowledgment, then turned to me. "I'm glad I didn't miss you, Kyon. I have something for you."

She handed me a long strip of coarse white cloth. I held it for a moment. "Is... Is this...?"

"It's a karate belt. I felt bad that Miss Suzumiya hadn't gotten you a gi, and... w-well, a belt is better than nothing, right? So I made one for you."

"It's very thoughtful of you. Thank you." She blushed, which made me feel relieved that I'd opted to err on the side of gross understatement. Being able to wear something of Miss Asahina's making around my waist was a rare gift. "You didn't have to bring it to me, though. You could have just waited until the meeting."

"Um, well... I didn't want Miss Suzumiya to see me giving it to you. You won't let her know it's from me, will you?"

That was a sensible concern. "Your secret is safe with me," I assured her, and put the belt in my bag.

"Oh, good. I'll see you at the meeting!"

She left with a toss of her lovely tresses and a wave of her lovely hand.

Taniguchi muttered to me, "Seriously, what possessed you to ever say that you could understand my girl problems?"

_Right. My only girl problem is that she can't date me because it will screw up the fabric of time._

We entered the classroom and Taniguchi went to his seat, while I was distracted by a voice I hadn't expected to hear for another ten seconds or so.

"You didn't tell her."

I nearly jumped out of my skin. Instead of sitting at her desk like she was supposed to, Haruhi was leaning against the wall right next to the door. "What are you doing there?" I demanded.

"I heard someone say 'Kyon', so I thought I'd check what was going on." She was looking at me thoughtfully. "Mikuru asked Taniguchi what he'd been up to. She isn't insensitive enough to say something like that to someone who's just had a bad breakup. Which means she didn't know. Why didn't you tell Mikuru about Taniguchi?"

I grabbed her by the arms and pulled her away from the doorway to a spot where people would be less likely to overhear us. "That's not the sort of thing you can go around telling everyone about."

"I know that! Let go." She shoved me back. "But you know, that didn't stop you from telling _me_ all about it."

"Look, I just needed someone to talk to about it, okay? It was really bothering me, and I wanted someone who would listen to me and understand what I was going through, and maybe even help. You're the only person I know who could do that."

Once again, the filter between my brain and my mouth had failed to do its job properly. It wasn't until the grin appeared on Haruhi's face that I realized the implications of what I'd just said.

"Wait," I tried. "Wait, that didn't come out right."

"Well, you weren't wrong. If you had asked Mikuru what to do, she'd have just told you what you wanted to hear. 'Just be a friend to him and everything will work out,' or something like that. She's a little too accommodating."

That grin was really starting to alarm me. I blurted out, "Look, this doesn't mean that I like you more than her!"

She recoiled from me, her jaw dropping. For a split second, I thought maybe I had been too harsh. But she'd been more startled than anything else. "I know that! Idiot. That's not the point."

"Then what is the point?"

A dangerous question. It's always safest to never learn what Haruhi's intentions are. Maybe that's why I can never help wanting to know. More fool me.

Her eyes brightened. "You know what? I'll show you. Try calling me."

"But you're right here."

"I mean on the phone."

_You realize that the same objection still applies, right?_ But I took out my phone and called, like she said.

She must have had her phone turned off, because it went right to voice mail. A bright voice said, "Hi, you've reached Haruhi Suzumiya, leader of the SOS Brigade! Go ahead and leave a message, but bear in mind that if it's not interesting then it may not be worth my while to get back to you. Adventure awaits!"

I put my phone away. "You finally changed your voice message."

"Yup."

"But what's that got to do with me telling you about Taniguchi?"

"Ugh, you are so incredibly dense. The point," she leaned forward, and spoke the words that would haunt me for a long time to come, "...is that things are changing."

_As if they weren't bad enough already._ "We'd better get to our seats."

"Not so fast!" She seized my bag from me and dove into it. I would have objected, but the illegal search was completed in the time it took me to open my mouth. The bag was shoved back into my hands, while the belt Miss Asahina had made for me remained in Haruhi's clutches. "Belts not authorized by the karate instructor are not permitted in the dojo."

I sighed. "Fine, I won't wear it in the 'dojo' then."

But she took it back to her desk and put it into her own bag. "You're not getting this back until you get one for Yuki, too. Otherwise she'll be the only one in the class who doesn't have one, and I won't allow anyone to be left out!"

_Uh huh. Never mind the fact that you left both me and Nagato out by not getting us gis in the first place._

_ Well, I guess I should have known from the moment I learned Haruhi had been listening in that I would have to kiss Miss Asahina's wonderful handmade belt goodbye. Even if I were to get Nagato a belt, Haruhi would just find another excuse._

"I mean it!" Her eyes flashed with anger. "If you want this back, get Yuki a belt. I wouldn't lie about something like that!"

"I didn't say you would."

"You were thinking it!" She took her seat with a huff. "And are you ever going to thank me for solving your problem with Taniguchi?"

I took my own seat. "You didn't solve anything. I helped Taniguchi, and I did it my own way."

"Don't be stupid. If you'd done it your way, nothing would have changed. Just admit that I helped you out. Is that really so hard?"

I didn't answer right away, and class started at that moment, so I didn't have to answer her at all.

But, if you want me to answer honestly... Yes, it really was that hard. Because if I admitted I'd taken Haruhi's advice, I'd be admitting that Haruhi was someone who I turned to for help, someone whose thoughts I respected. That she wasn't quite the same deranged introvert she was when I first met her. That, in effect, things were indeed changing.

And that's something I just wasn't ready to face yet.

END


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